i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
Walk of Shame. In a state park.
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
I'm hungry
Come here to eat and play. It'll be like Dave and Busters except with sex
Dinner?
YES CON MARGARITAS POR FAVOR!!!! MUCHO MARGARITAS!!!
so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
He told me I remind him of his ex girlfriend but in a better more advanced way..
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
Is there a number of dicks a girl can have in a weekend before it becomes unacceptable? Asking for a friend
Remember! It’sa long weekend and a holiday weekend and it’s America’s birthday! So don’t short change me!
I thought you were asking for a friend
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
Randomize
