She wants her shit back. Clearly she missed the cheaters-get-their-shit-ritually-burned clause.
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
Like, I just want to be naked rolling around in soft things.
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
She was blowing air into green onions and tying knots in them to make "balloons"
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
Randomize
