Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
Dignity is for republicans.
Im in the STD packet for new students this year. And im going to be plastered tonight so be forewarned
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
REALLY should have cleaned under my bed before I had my parents come help me pack...things my parents just found: several condoms and a bottle of lube. My mom when she found a condom: "ooo ribbed. Laura's a lucky girl"
I am the sex elephant in the room. Again.
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
He's 5'2" and his dick 4'8"
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
I just had a flashback to me puking and you telling me it was okay because my boobs still looked awesome.
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
Randomize
