Yes give me all the cream and he's gone
What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
I woke up and blew hamburger out my nose. That kinda night.
Just quiet vomiting, and in between heaves she mumbled "be the pro"
and on the second day it was tequilla tuesday. and the lord saw it was good.
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
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