Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
Just kissed her with a dip in my mouth... She was either too drunk to notice or too cool to care
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
It starts with an S and ends with arah just gave me a bj.
I don't think child baring hips is a compliment.
How was me telling you it's my mom's birthday a go-ahead to bang my sister???
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
Please do not make a facebook page for my hickeys.
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
I just licked wine off my own thigh. I've hit a new low.
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
short story short, i just screamed anal seepage in the middle of a diner.
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