I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
please tell me you didn't have sex with him in the bathroom...
Does an alley count?
I DONT WANT TO PLUS I THINK I FLUSHED MY KEYS DOWN THE TOILET WHILE I WAS PEEING
He refused my I'm sry gift of ANAL. That's how angry he was.
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
I should know better than to trust a man I've seen cry on multiple occasions to give me accurate sports information.
We were pulling the glow sticks off of him and he just kept yelling, "my bones! You're taking my bones!" and asking me if I was on the crew team
Making a me burrito to ward off the cold...and the aloneness of my vagina
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
Also, if you don't fuck me soon, I will die. I don't want to die like that.
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
Randomize
