where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
he wants to bone in the snuggie
We just all danced like dinosaurs in the center of the dance floor.
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
sitting in an airport in detroit. just saw a commercial for detroit tourism with kid rock as a spokesman. reason # 1458 to never visit this city.
People are handing out olympic condoms downtown, just put it on and it broke, this is how there trying to raise the population. Very sneaky canadian government, very sneaky
It's 4th of July all over again, we were chasing with the pool water.
That's fuckin bs. I had the bouncers beat by 30 yards til that dumbshit on the moped stopped in front of me.
I'm gonna call it the Reunion Tour. Hooked up with two different ex girlfriends in one day...
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
He's mad about lube? You know what, don't even. I'm not in the proper mindset to discuss lube.
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
I was doing good, then they gave me free shots
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
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