i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
Had to make a piece of abstract art. Your dick is in it
yeah, we figured out that passing a joint between cars was a pretty bad idea
Did the game of beer pong go wrong before or after the cops and fire department showed up?
I'd like to be considered more than just his fuck buddy thanks. IVE BEEN RISKING PREGNANCY FOR SEVEN GODDAMN MONTHS I DESERVE THE TITLE OF GIRLFRIEND
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
I would like to dedicate my cray behavior this week to my uncontrollable hormones and wine. Both have totally Efff'ed with my life.
I can't believe we really went to walgreens to use their cork opener, bounced and drank a bottle of wine in a sketchy corner...
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
I came over to get dick...not to watch you vacuum....at 2 AM
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
Btw I puked in your glovebox
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