I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
I just gave my patient permission to swallow while pregnant. She was so embarrassed to ask...but her bf was really happy with the answer.
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
hey, its the girl who gave you a bloody nose and paid you back with a blow job. have you seen my shoes?
Man, I must say, having known you since preschool, Eiffel-Tower-ing her would've fully completed our journey to brotherhood.
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
I have mastered the art of having sex on monkey bars.
Randomize
