Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
Get out here. Doing shots with the delivery guy. Also, the food is here
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
As an added bonus, you will have a "25 blowjobs a month" voucher, expiring thirty days after the first initial bj.
And we won't even have to pay the tab if we die AT the bar. So..win win.
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
I tried to twerk on a barn in 3 inch heels at a party last night and nose dived into mud. These were all new friends. I'm probably not allowed back. Cool.
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
Come on, what straight woman, gay man, or bi person HASN'T scrolled through Justin Trudeau pictures after a bad day?
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
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