Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
I'm going to email her once I get off the bathroom floor
Having drunken flash backs of me giving you a piggy back ride. I was like Jesus, and you were my cross. I fell so many times for you. This is true friendship.
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
I looked like a tiger in heat. He didn't know if I wanted to fuck him or eat him.
it was an ACCIDENT
it was a DICK
you were on all fours in the front yard puking, but managed to hand the pizza delivery guy a beer and to have a nice day.
He ate me out while I was wearing a canada goose parka and a dress hand crafted by a seamstress from yellowknife. I came while watching the northern lights. Most arctic orgasm ever.
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