I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
he gets drunk and then tries to eat the lasers at the dance club
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
he stopped midthrust to put on his sex playlist and the first song was 'can you feel the love tonight'
where do you find these guys?
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
Well at one point he got ahold of my archery gear.. And I. Shit. You. Not. Sarah took an arrow to the knee.
Are you considering all the consequences of doing your boss or are you just rationalizing with your vagina?
Should I be concerned you put your last name in my phone as "danger"?
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
Over 14,000 people at my school and the kid I went home with last night is IN MY FUCKING LECTURE
It's not "nice." It's the supermodel of dicks.
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.
Her tits are so fantastic they gave him a panic attack.
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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