I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
It's like I opened a door and behind it lay mythical creatures sprinklin fairy dust upon the land leading me to a pot of gold. And that gold is some delicious cock.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just had a heart to heart with my John Belushi poster.
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
The playlist was "songs to sing in the shower". I literally got fucked to Footloose.
as a self proclaimed hoe im ok with a lotta things but that is not fucking one of them
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
Randomize