I think my vagina is haunted
i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
i feel like an archaelogyst. im pulling apart last weeks brownies to find the weed in them
i've already watched her fall off the steps, walk up on our porch and try to dance with the dog, and stumble across the street to stand outside the neighbors window...is it taking it too far to watch this rando girl and some guy have sex behind our parking lot now?
well if I unknowingly shoved my hand up someones ass, I'm glad it was yours
andd if someone unknowingly shoved their hand up my ass without me knowing, im glad it was you
After last night, I've decided I will now bang only men who professionally ride things for a living. I will accept jockeys, cowboys, bullriders, and pro bicyclists who lie and say they're bullriders.
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
drinking from the bathtub cause I'm too lazy to walk downstairs and too thirsty to care
Still breathing?
Still breathing , but quite out of it. I think I hallucinated like 20 action sequences.
What.
I'm pretty sure i doubled the number of dicks I've ever touched, last night.
i thought this was a perfectly normal conversation between two adult men about why this children's cartoon is quality television but no you just gotta be talking shit again
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
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