You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
saw "Pah-jure" lube. Thought of you. Wearing the same clothes to work tomorrow.
I stayed in, ate a pint of Hagen daas and watched a movie about aids. Soooooooo single.
I then asked the hardee's employee: mam, do you mind if i pay 75 cents in cash and then put the 1.13 on my debit card.
hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
Puking green right now......... jaimison mcflurry very bad idea
begin the sex magic rocket ship countdown
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
You fist bumped my dick last night saying good game. That you'll be back for the 2nd game...
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
Randomize
