dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
fuck your aforementioned shoe
Only catch is you have to sleep in the same bed as me. But no worries, I plan on being in a random guys hotel room every night. So it's essentially yours.
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
and i'm going to kill you for what you did to my nipples last night. of course i want to hang out
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
As soon as they started using chocolate milk as a chaser for captain Morgan, I thought l it'd be best to leave.
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
we watched a guy take a shot of tequila while riding a unicycle
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
If I slept with her my dick would come out glittery
coward.
There is a sex dungeon behind the wine cellar. This is why I hate showing foreclosures.
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