Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
I just saw a stripper wear a tube top around her floppy gut. God bless Michigan.
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
I woke up this morning with gum gluing my ass cheeks together..
I can't decide if I actually want to know or not..
his mom walked in, looked at me, sighed n nsaid 'when are u gonna learn' n walked out
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
The reign of the rally queen is over. Welcome to the age of the walking dead.
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
All boys are excommunicated from my vagina until further notice.
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
Randomize
