I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
we're all still whores. we just have a theme song now.
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
I'm coming over to use your dick. I need to take my aggression out on something. Hope that's cool.
Thanks for putting the blue stuff in the toilet, it made me throwing up this morning more enjoyable.
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
There's going to be a pool, lightsabers and alcohol. What could go wrong?!
Setting up an obstacle course with ladders, hurdles, and a spring board to the pool. you down for drunk races through it later?
Come over. We have tacos... And girls who took their clothes off. But mainly, tacos.
i am willing to donate my body to this science experiment when it means free blowjobs
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
He was semi blacked out in the hallway with a bucket, calling for me while I had sex with his best friend in the very next room. Why do you let me do these things?
Can we climb Your roof?
No bitch its 2am go home.
Remember those two guys in our frat that would no homo everything? I just got an invitation to their wedding.
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
Randomize
