hell no. last time, i couldn't pee straight for a week.
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
It's called the eyeliner-blowjob correlation, read a science book bro
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
She yelled "taste the gay rainbow" in a biker bar. She's either brave or fuckin stupid.
Tell me how you feel about belly buttons
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
My actions are not mine. They are the actions of Patron.
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
how does that bad decision feel?
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
Randomize
