I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
my math prof is telling us what to do in a gun fight. i dont want to live in oakland anymore.
I think I may have some undocumented and undiscovered std that causes girls to go bat shit crazy. How you got it is beyond me
So what's the moral standing on reading gay porn on your phone whilst sitting next to your 87 year old Grandma?
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
I was just thinking about all the dick I could catch while I am home. But then I realized I am too lazy to get out of my pjs and leave my cat.
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
Lol it's kinda hilarious. I left missing one glass... guage. I feel like Cinderella... but less classy.
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