I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
I'm treating myself to a " uve slept with yet another mr. Wrong" breakfast
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
I think we did. All i know my pants smell like pong water due to the bathroom extravagansa. God I feel like a whore.
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.
Sorry that I was such a monster last night. It was the drugs, I promise.
She shoved her hand down my pants and held my cock for thirty minutes in the bar. It was like she was letting all the other females know I was hers.
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
I remember walking into a bathroom stall that had a couple fucking in it and giving them a condom and a thumbs up and then leaving
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
I kept telling you not to give them blowjobs, but you kept screaming back, "it's okay, we're friends on facebook!"
True I am eskimo brothers with every one of my room mates, but it was only two girls. And 9 outta 10 times I was first
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