I went from sexy to sloppy in a matter of minutes
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
gettin drunk isnt as much fun when i can use my own id for it
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
Oh we will ALWAYS be together. Or I'll have to delete my Facebook altogether. I've drunkenly boobie trapped photos of us into every album. There's no way I'd ever have the patience to go through that deletion process.
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
There are six slides. In going to pee in five of them. You have to guess which one to go down. Agree?
Agreed.
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
Dude, naked camping ALWAYS takes precedence. I would skip my own funeral to go naked camping.
Went to my bottom drawer for my stash , gone just a note says thanks sucker love dad
It was a fun night! I woke up with a boyfriend, again....
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
Randomize
