My pee smelled like sake this morning it was sooo disgusting.
She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
my love horoscope just told me to "say it in frosting" should i take this literally?? i think yes.
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
Nothing says Welcome to America than having the international house watch a sorority girl puke over the edge of the porch at 8am.
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
I'm at the bar, forgot my pants. Everyone's over reacting
I have meat and whiskey. will you bring condoms?
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
Randomize
