Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
Some guy said that sham wows were the same as regular shammys. needless to say you had to be restrained. you kept trying to 'slap chop' him.
we seriously had to hang a plastic bag on his ears so he could throw up right into it.
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
I fell asleep masterbating while watching family guy... This is what happens when girl's night gets canceled
We're having play-off hate sex for a sport I don't even understand. Go USA!
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
As you were leaving you yelled at the owners that the stairs weren't suitable for "intoxacapated" people and promptly fell down them.
So I WAS right.
Are you still in his room?
Nope, yogged home at 8 am with one shoe on.
Randomize
