My hair reeks of homosexuality.
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
She was puking in a plastic bag while cleaning where she puked on the floor. She knows how to multitask.
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
WHY ARE YOU SMOKING WEED WHEN YOU JUST HAD A STROKE. AND MORE IMPORTANTLY WHY ARE YOU DOING IT WITHOUT ME.
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
I'm not drinking with you for AT LEAST a day
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
There were a lot of gay moments in between the Strippers and coke
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