Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
he needs a life. he was like frothing at the mouth to cockblock you
So squirting runs in the family.
Everything tastes like hotdogs and shame.
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
Try to make ecstasy cheese. Capitalize on the molly and greek yogurt trends. MARKETING
I just used a VHS tape as a plate for sanwich
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
He won a jackpot and invited his ex girlfriend over to have sex on 5grand
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
Ended up in his bed... He's passed out holding me and his bulldog is laying across my legs. Both snoring. HELP!! I wanna go home!
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
I still can't believe I was army crawling thru his backyard at 2am..
He's coming over again? GIRL, you're thoroughly enjoying the month of Dicktember.
They say you need two forms of ID, but in reality 1 nice set of tits works every time
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