Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
Operation Purity has been aborted
i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
Not even drunk me wanted to have sex with him. I kept intentionally hitting my head on the table behind me during sex till he said i was too drunk for sex.
since you saved your number in my phone as "the hot chick you met last Friday" I don't know who you are either
I don't think I'd trust a marching band with trampolines to not cause serious damage to themselves/ property.
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
Serious questions. Who is that girl? Why is she wearing a tiara? And why does she keep asking about penis piercings?
Just walked in and got handed a drink. Good service
the guy working the counter at the liquor store noticed i got my haircut and said it was pretty.....
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
eveytime i go to his house my cute clothes always get taken off what's the point of even wearing them there?
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