Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
you dont have to exercise, you threw up last night!
apparently 9 shots of absynthe does not take away your skill to walk. i just woke up under a tree in some field on the other side of town with 4 hours missing.
You expect me to find someone in two days who I feel comfortable enough with to ask them to get drunk and go play in foam with me?
How do you think the people in my class would react if I ripped all my clothes off and jumped on him right now?
yo btw licking skeptical coke off table right now
people came up our fire escape and one had a cut on his leg and he was beautiful so i told him i was an emt and bandaged it with princess bandaids
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
Sorry you felt insulted last night let me rub your butt in remorse
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
Dude what is wrong with me. I'm like a strong independent woman and shit.
Coffee and girl scout cookies. Breakfast of champions.
Get fucked.
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
Randomize
