It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
Party in the USA is so catchy!
Yea, so is AIDS.
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
Just got to school and somone already mentioned the amount of cereal im carrying.
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
Would I waste your time for mediocre porn?
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
No just a slight sexual miscommunication which led to a little (lot) vomiting by one party and a bruised sternum on the other party involved.
I can't even make a guess how that goes.
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
The single life is the freaking dream dude. I'm sitting here naked, eating chocolate mousse, and watching Gilmore girls. It's wonderful
he's single and there are thong briefs.
Randomize
