there is a polo shirt epidemic at this bar. also, im pretty sure i just saw the grown-up coppertone baby
does the new i-phone have a pregnancy test app?
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
I won't be able to get a boner for a month
Challenge accepted.
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
so as he was cumming he sort of growled with one eye squinted... for a moment there I thought I was fucking Popeye
Carver called his mom a milf again
Was it on purpose this time?
Like he was trying to be sexy but he had shit taste in porn so i left
I'm pretty sure that waking up butt ass naked with a bottle of 151 and a note that said "I didn't want to wake you up, but thanks" proves I had a good time....god bless America
he passed out in the backyard and we used christmas lights as extension cords for the clippers to shave his head.
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
Randomize
