Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
Do you think there are girls out there that really do like small penis?
You taught me that having a dip while u shit is awesome. I appreciate u for that
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
I may or may not have shit out a layer of my liver after that weekend.
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
I based a lot of our friendship on the fact that I thought you were crying from feeling so sad for me when I got crabs. I'm not sure if we can ever be as close now.
My passport was stamped in Canada two weeks ago. One step closer to uncovering wtf happened that night
We're at the liquor store. Then going to the hospital
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
Hhhaaa He said Peanutburter disinfect lol. Like peanut butter can disinfect stuff. None of those guys are safe
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