now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
Awesome. My fame will spread to DC... As will the herpes.
Its not even 10am and we are talking about what guys assholes we would finger.
You will receive a large, large reward, worth much more than the actual phone you are holding, paid not only in cash but in sexual favors, if you return this phone! Please respond if you're interested in cash/sex/or just being a good person. Thanks and hope to hear from you soon!
How dare you. Idk what you called me, and neither does google translate, but you better take it back.
They put 3 tbs of cinnamon in vodka shots and called it the "cinnamon death challenge"
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
My g-ma saw your dick-pic and wants you to know I've got a keeper. She says her big whopper died in Korea. Good thing g-pa is still asleep.
Who says there aren't gentlemen anymore? My one night stand warmed up my car for me
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
This is the third time my roommate and I have drunkenly hooked up. I'm starting to think she's not as straight as she says she is.
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
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