im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
My ex was here I looked him in the eyes when I grabbed some other guy by his belt and dragged him to a room
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
I totally gave him head in sync to Beastie Boy's Sabotage playing in the background.
For the past year I have been the most responsible I have ever been in my entire life and now spring break is here and there is free penis just traipsing around my entire town. The game is afoot.
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
I just want an early 40-something dude who is vaguely unencumbered, professionally driven and wants to put me in a ball gag.
Details are irrelevant. Come bail me out of jail.
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
Randomize
