look to my right... shes dancing like she's playing dance dance revolution and her character is a retarded, drunken moose
Hes far too high and trying to explain daylight savings time to me. Help?
idea:have a jello shot stand(opposed to lemonade stand) to raise money for spring break
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
You slid down the bannister into a split. Lines were crossed.
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
Randomize
