I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
i was so drunk i stopped mid-blowjob to make sure he i was with my boyfriend and not some random. twice.
I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
do you think semen can infect my impacted wisdom tooth
When hitting a Woodchuck bottle with a machete, glass will fly back and cut your face.
I hope you did not try this.
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
I started having a bad trip because I closed my eyes and got lost in a forest of patterns and I knew my mom would be upset.
Negotiating with my body. We're ok. Violent upheaval is not necessary.
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
If you can't drink with the big boys, give up your beer and go back to the playpen
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
When I walked out of the bathroom and you were literally dancing, you looked at me and said 'this is how I dance'. And then continued.
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
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