Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
So he saw that playlist i made with his name as the title. i think he's creeped out that I have 106 songs that remind me of him
Just try to lay there and not be pregnant.
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
Ok now a guy in a winnie the pooh costume is grinding on some chick to the song shots
Is it really road head if took place on kayaks in the river?
BOOTY CALL IN EFFECT, BOOTY CALL IN PROCESS, BOOTY CALL ACCEPTED, AND BOOTY CALL INITIATES FRIDAY NIGHT.
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
Randomize
