I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
My roomate just said the he would "tap dat" to the 13 out of control girl on maury. Im finding a new place in the morning.
I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
I'm on the bus going to class. And a cop just rolled by and I got nervous because I didn't have my seatbelt on. I have to stop smoking so much weed.
Please tell me I did not ask the bartender how big his dick was.
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
What I'm trying to say is, that time you chained me to my dresser and made me beg for it was incredibly romantic.
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
Letting two friends screw at my place in exchange for weed. This is my life.
my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
Well I had to have sex with him so he would buy me plan b. The fact that I had sex with someone else last night who couldn't afford it is irrelevant.
Randomize
