it's a girl!!
That's great, I look forward to meeting her in 18 years
That can be our thanksgiving, vodka and cornbread. Just like the pilgrims.
Rolling one last joint on my Psych textbook before trading it in. I might actually cry.
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
yes, i was eatting raw cookie dough and fingering myself at the same time.... is there a problem?
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
dude a monday night stripper made you motorboat her. you should get that checked out
Currently smoking a blunt with my one night stand's mom. I don't know how I should feel about this.
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
is it too soon to tell him I'm available anytime for Christmas themed pity sex and I'll even wear a Santa hat?
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Like bruh, I’m a free range girlfriend
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