Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
Just heard her singing at the school concert... I am honored my penis was touched by those pipes
And if not, hey- I've never had a restraining order before, so that will be cool
It could be our claim to fame
Done. I'll pack a cooler.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
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Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
He's not messing around tonight. 4 fist pumps.
Regret, thy taste is box wine.
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I have to pee in a cup in the morning and they are going to say....you just peed a miller light. I'm going to hang my head in shame and say yes...yes I did.
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
my star wars tattoo got me laid last night. definitely a dark side sort of benefit im thinking
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
Between the deep breathing and nipple piercings , I thought I was in the twilight zone
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