im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
the liability waiver did not state that i couldn't bring my bottle of wine in the bouncy castle. it did Not.
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
he drunkenly pissed himself on the deck, in the bathroom, and on my couch within the span of an hour
its like an avodart commercial...maybe he has a growing problem
I feel like none of my dresses scream slut the way I'd like them to
Please send me a thumbs up pic afterwards. No homo. After you've redressed and are heading for the walk of shame out of course
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
Just got biofeeze on my vag. Weirdest sensation everrr. Can't decide if I want to cum or cry
So unless we're getting married, I can't see him cry AND have sex with him. It just doesn't work like that.
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
like don't tell me my baby smooth vag offended you
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
Can I just go naked and covered in glitter?
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
Damn that brownie almost kicked my ass. I'm not sure if my flight home lasted 10 minutes or 10 days..
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