I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
I think my favourite thing about cubicles is the fact that I can pick my nose at work
dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
is wine microwaveable?
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
she got the mcdonald's logo tattooed on her ass. sober. yesterday at noon.
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
you were acting out moves from the wwe, in a dress. then you sceamed "you can't see me" and ran out of the apt.
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
Randomize
