never play flip cup with pint glasses
he just spelled fiance, "pheancie". I dont think he's ready to get married.
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
i mean, what better way to remind him of his failures in life than to fuck his roommate/fraternity brother?
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
Like do you realize his dealer came out with a gun and we laughed like it was all just fun and games...
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
He thought my hair would soak it up. I HAD TO CUT IT OFF.
Then he started caressing my eye brow. Like repetedly. For at least 15 minutes. It was strangely mesmerizing
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
We banged in his car behind the burrito place. Google Maps keeps asking me to rate my visit. 5/5, would cum again.
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
Randomize
