Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
It went alright, nothing too special, just got threatened with a knife by our server.
He burst into tears while I was blowing him. NEVER giving a bj for a graduation present again.
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All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
I thought my ass was sore from the gym then I realized it was from being spanked. Confusing time in my life.
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
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It just smells like spaghetti and despair.
I just wanna get drunk in a castle. Is that so much to ask?
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
I would definitely ride that dick into the sunset if nuggets are involved
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.