I didn't take her seriously until she snorted that ramen noodle flavor packet...
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
Question. Was fucking Laura an entirely regrettable decision?
like...quickly.
do you want to shower with me?
only if we can drink the jungle juice while we shower
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
my ass is still wet. this is highly unpleasant. give me 5 to get changed and I'm all yours. or you can yell things to me while I shower and burn clothes
It's whatever. Titanic is about to be on and we have wine, which is basically crying juice. Leo, Kate, and I will be having a lovely, pants free evening.
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
Woke up in a hotel room with some random guy then walked over a mile to the bus stop where I laid down and waited on the bus. GREAT NIGHT
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
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