At the Phils game. My gay buddy just wanted up to a bunch of Mets fans and said "I'm gay, and even I think Mets fans are a bunch of fags." I love this fuckin town.
I think we need to find a happy medium between fried food and dicks. This could end badly.
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
I wanna fuck that hideous moustache right off your face. get the confetti ready for the festivities
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
I'm going to a one year olds birthday party to smoke weed. What has my life become.
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
Idk what I'm more afraid of...checking my bank account or my STD results.
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
Randomize
