just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
he has the hands of the vagina gods.
quick, send me a pic of a fat chick eating ice cream in a bikini. no joke, no questions, just do it.
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
Seeing your one night stand on campus never gets less awkward. Why is Subway the only good place to eat?
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
exhale infront of a fan. self shotgun.
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
He only has one ball. it was like fucking a cyclops.
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