So his roomate was eating breakfast when I was sneaking out. He's the guy I took home from jessicas wedding. I ended up eating coco puffs with him
Just another sign I need to get out of this town
If he comes back to you and I'm left alone in lonelytown I'm totally going to poo on your car.
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
Just saw remains of her puke from last night on my pants.... thats got "Apology BJ" written all over it.
This chick just checked into her walk of shame on Foursquare... I think I'm in love.
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
I remember your 21st ending with me driving you home while you insisted making bicycle signals out the car window.
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
He hasn't touched a vagina in two and a half years. THIS IS WAY TOO MUCH PRESSURE TO BE UNDER
If he doesn't get here soon I'm taking off my thong and eating his dinner.
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
I just don't know how to say "I want to have sex you with before you graduate" in a classy way
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