Grinding on my ninth grade teacher. Dreams really do come true
Only now do I see "not intended for use on skin" warning. Wonderful. But hey, my dick smells like magic marker.
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
I'd say the best part of the party was when you screamed to everyone that you were gettin dome on the reg
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
You sternly pointed at him and declared that you would ride his cock until the early dawn.
Then, you ate a turkey sub, went into his room
your ability to divide cases of beer among any given group of people equally was missed.
So i came so hard i almost passed out, where has this vibrator been all my life?
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
when I found u, u were using a t-shirt for pants
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