Just taught my suite how to queef. I feel like i'm back in 9th grade!
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
dude 8 am is too early to start pregaming for new years eve
clearly you are not from wisconsin
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
No. I'm too high for this. I gotta focus my mind for my future Hooter's interview
I'm like 87% sure some random guy starting biting my ear after grinding me for like 30 seconds... I feel suprisingly unconcerned
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
Pssh I just bang a girl in a single person tent. Thats like the back seat of a sedan.
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
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