I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
we're on our way back. she tried to pants the waiter again.
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
we spent fifteen minutes trying to convince you that you weren't locked inside of your car
You are softly singing to the wall while slow dancing with it. I feel as though you should discontinue this behavior.
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
IDK DUDE BUT HE TIED IT WITH A SHOELACE SO I GOTTA FREE SHOELACE OUTTA THE DEAL. THIS GIVES A NEW MEANING TO LACED DRUGS
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
I could see myself being this awkward weirdo drunk girl that patted strangers and danced terribly but was powerless to stop it
I mean, we were all drinking, but I'm pretty sure kidnapping came up.
What was I even doing in 2010?! I feel like that's a question I should be able to type into the Facebook Search bar
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
Randomize
