I just saw the dad from "Little People Big World" at the airport. I chased him down and congratulated him for beating the DUI.
Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
I only had sex with her cause she looked like jwoww from jersey shore
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
He came for an unexpected visit and let's just say I shattered his illusion that girls don't watch porn
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
How bad would it be if I wore out the dress we got peed on in. You're the only one who knows.
The only thing I remember last night was feeding my dog 4 McDoubles.
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
I took a pregnancy test at Pancheros a bit ago.
Are u alive? If u are, you deserve an award.
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
I just had all of the sex. All of it.
Randomize
