That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
The best part of that night wasn't even the sex, it was listening to her explain to her boyfriend why she was naked in her room while I hid in her closet.
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
Yo, how much weed can I get for a caf swipe?
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
Just walked in and got handed a drink. Good service
No feeling is better than coming home from your booty call and putting on a fresh pair of granny panties
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
That married penis I’ve been riding offered to pay off my student loans. I was going to break it off because he has lousy stamina. Is being debt free worth putting up with mediocre sex?
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