He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
I feel like your dick pick is everywhere. Never have I needed to be so careful when posting pictures.
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
like i got into his car and the beatles were playing. this kid is def getting his dick sucked
I'm glad you enjoyed the night but why were you calling me "daddy"?
Does this cleavage amount say, “Fuck it, I’m over dating, let’s just fuck?”
I just used a bag of jelly beans as an arm weight...I'm not sure what to think of myself
you came home and ate 12 bananas. you really didnt think mom would know you were high?
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
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