My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
maybe if i keep dancing i won't throw up
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
He wasn't eating out, he was performing a hysterectomy without a license....should I be worried about my future family?
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
We will. we just need a little inspiration.... in smoke form.
I want "hickeys on my ass" sex
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
I think I'm still a little drunk from Sunday Funday and I just changed for a date in my car. wish me luck.
I have a lot of questions this morning, most of them start with "Did I..."
literally 50% of my time being 20 has involved my genitals thus far
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
I do not recommend playing football on LSD like at all
Randomize
