dunno bout you, but i grow tired of beef curtains
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
You win. I am a lesbian who maybe slightly jaded. I didn't mean to throw the knife at you head.
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
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