I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
I'm not ready for the Pike bikes to move back in to town it was wonderful seeing that sorority house empty all summer
... I'm KD
There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
scarred for life. way too high and witnessed some chick give a dude head on the dance floor
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
I made a blanket fort and am drinking Gatorade and eating donuts watching 500 days of summer. I can't keep spending my saturdays like this.
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
OMG HIS EYES ARE POOLS OF SEX. HOT SEX.
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
we were looking for paper towels to wrap his hand and i yanked a drawer out of the cabinet, it was fun so we just kept doing it. things escalated and long story short, he isn't gettin his security deposit back
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
Randomize
