happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
it was like one of those moments where the couple runs together and kisses and everyone in the airport claps. but instead of clapping an indian guy walked by and said 'ahhhright! get some!'
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
I just got fire extinguished by his roommate while we were having sex. That's just taking cock blocking to a whole new level.
i dont even know how to be here
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.
He snuck into my grandmothers house, broke her lamp, fucked me, then had breakfast with us the next morning. I am an awful granddaughter.
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
Let's be honest, I am pretty sketchy looking.
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
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